Friday, September 7, 2007

The F word

No, It's not what you think. The word I am referring to is FORGIVENESS! I must tell a story so that I can be held accountable in my life. This isn't to say that I am awesome, I, by no means, am saying that. I am, in fact, coming to you humbly and ashamed for having waited so long to ask for forgiveness.
I started going to FBCA in 5th grade. On the first day of Sunday School, I met a girl named Rachel Spradley. I came home on that Sunday and told my dad, "I met a girl and she is HILARIOUS!" We became instant friends. It was the next year that my friend Jenny (whom I have known since birth) began attending FBCA. We were always together, and let me tell you, these were the days that make me good at working with freshmen girls. We loved to hate each other, but always made up. Once, because of my big mouth, in the 8th grade, Jenny and I didn't talk for 8 months. That is when I learned my lesson about talking about other people behind their backs. Rachel and I went to PCA (peoples' Christian Academy) together and cheered together, and graduated together with a class of 9. so you can see that we were together a lot.
College started and we both stayed close to home. (I should tell you that Jenny and I have had no other issues, and remain sisters today) So, as the 3 years went on Rach and I took vacations together and hung out a lot. She started a long distance relationship with an awesome guy, whom I felt I had handpicked out and I don't know if it was me, not understanding that or what, but we began not getting along. We were 20 or 21 years old. I moved away without ever clearing the crap and then I heard the news. She was getting married. I, because I was too proud to call and apologize just got my feelings crushed that I wasn't going to be a part of one of my best friend's wedding. I had no invitations to the showers, but why would I be on the list, we had lost touch and I was living 3 hours away from home. She wasn't even the one sending out the invites...but anyway, I cried for days! My family got an invitation and I had made up my mind that I would make the drive and show up for the wedding. as I stewed over it, I decided to do the DUMBEST thing I have ever done, and that was to write a letter. I am not sure what it said, but it basically said that I was ready to make the decision that we would no longer be friends, and talked about my hurt feelings...whaa whaa whaa...and included all kinds of photos of us together. It was TERRIBLE!! so I show up and put the letter in the pile and then it happens. She sees me sitting there, gets up from eating her dinner, runs over, throws her arms around me, and says, "I was wondering if you would be here?"
She thought about me.
So I sucked anyway and left the letter there. Since then, I have regretted that. She immediately moved to CO. I have seen her once, by default, in the last 6 years. So this last year I have really been thinking about her, A LOT, then I saw a posting on a mutual friends facebook about her having a child. I wept. I called another of our mutual friends and I got her number, put it in my phone and I saved it. 3 weeks later, I was in Sunday school class and we were talking about conflict, and how hard it is to worship the Lord when you have un-resolved conflict in your life. I felt so convicted. This is the Tommy Nelson "Song of Solomon" bible study, and Andrew and I don't have anything un-resolved, so when I was hit so hard by the conversation in the class that day, I knew that I had to open my phone and hit the "talk" button.
I let 4 days go by, and couldn't take it any more. I was at work, having a terrible day, and I did it. It rang once, I was like. "dear God, please let her voice mail answer," it rang 3 more times and my nerves began to settle, and then ... "Hello?"
ahhh...It was time. "Rachel," "Yeah." "Um..this is Sarah Welker, well, Sarah Beard, now."
"Oh my gosh" "I heard you had a baby? Congratulations." "Oh my gosh, Thanks it is crazy."
"yeah, well, I am sure you are wondering why I would just call, randomly. So I just Want to come out and say it...I have been holding on for years and I just need to ask you to forgive me.?"
I talked for a while. explaining my cowardice.
and then the sweetest words I have heard in years. "Sarah, I forgave you a long time ago, and no part of my heart is hard." then she said thank you and talked about how hard this phone call probably was to make.
"why did you have to catch me 3 weeks post pardum?" sniffles
the conversation was slightly awkward, but absolutely beautiful. I told her I would try to keep in touch. and we chatted a bit about how different our lives are now than when we were last in touch. We hung up and I felt the largest amount of peace and Joy I have in years. I took a minute and just cried.
I write this extremely long story just to tell you that you haven't dealt with the F Word but know that you need to, I want to encourage you to suck up your pride, and just make the call.
Peace, Love and God's Grace!!

1 comment:

Bex said...

hello! i don't know you but i was "blog-jumping" from courtney beck's page and read this post. i had to hold back the tears! maybe i should have just let them fall :) anyway, thanks for writing this post.